Hogan's Christmas Revels
by Sgt. Hakeswill
Summary: A collection of Hogan's Heroes filks based on Christmas songs.
1. We Four Krauts of Hammelburg Are

_I am a long-time Fan Fiction Net author and I'm a long-time reader of Hogan's Heroes stories, but have not yet written anything for HH. I've done filks in another genre, so I thought it would be a good way to make my HH debut. For those unfamiliar with the term "filk", filks are funny lyrics written to familiar tunes._

_Below is my first filk, and I hope to add more in the coming weeks until Christmas. The filks aren't really about Christmas, but I'm using Christmas songs to rewrite. Updates may be sporadic, as I'm currently working on a novel-length story in a different genre._

_I hope readers will get a laugh out of this._

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**We Four Krauts of Hammelburg Are**  
>(<em>sung to the tune of "We Three Kings of Orient Are<em>")

We four Krauts of Hammelburg are  
>Harassed by Yanks from near and afar<br>Brits and Frenchmen  
>Are their henchmen<br>Fighting to win the war

O-oh, Hochstetter we always fear  
>"What is this man doing here?"<br>Always seeking, often freaking  
>He never gets Hogan<p>

Burkhalter, he does bully Klink  
>From his sister, Klink does shrink<br>Shut up, he brays  
>Yes sir, Klink says<br>The General is such a fink

O-oh, Klink, he wears a monocle  
>Of himself, he's always full<br>Always bragging, often lagging  
>He's good at slinging bull<p>

Then there's Schultz, he knows not a thing  
>When there's food, just give him a ring<br>Jolly jokers  
>Packs of smokes are<br>The way to make him sing

We four Krauts of Hammelburg are  
>Harassed by Yanks from near and afar<br>Brits and Frenchmen  
>Are their henchmen<br>Fighting to win the war


	2. Hochstetter Just Arrived In Camp

_**Author's Note: **Thanks to all my readers and reviewers. I treasure your kind words._

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><strong>

**Hochstetter Just Arrived in Camp**  
>(sung to the tune of Santa Claus is Coming to Town)<p>

The roll call is done  
>The coffee pot's found<br>Hogan's men are gathering 'round  
>Hochstetter just arrived in camp<p>

He's making a list  
>And writing it now<br>Gonna find out who's bombing the town  
>Hochstetter just arrived in camp<p>

He looks for the underground  
>He looks for Papa Bear<br>He tries to flush him out with dares  
>But he never finds his lair<p>

O! The roll call is done  
>The coffee pot's found<br>Hogan's men are gathering 'round  
>Hochstetter just arrived in camp<p>

He's making a list  
>And writing it now<br>Gonna find out who blew the bridge down  
>Hochstetter just arrived in camp<p>

When he arrives at Klink's place  
>He'll shout and scream and yell<br>And when he's finished giving hell  
>Poor Klink won't feel well<p>

O! The roll call is done  
>The coffee pot's found<br>Hogan's men are gathering 'round  
>Hochstetter just arrived in camp<p> 


	3. Sabotage

**Sabotage**  
>(Jingle Bells)<p>

Riding down the road  
>In a stolen German truck<br>Their bombs are quite a load  
>The Krauts had better duck!<p>

Soon they find a bridge  
>Attach some dynamite<br>Oh what fun it is to blow  
>This bridge up in the night!<p>

Oh, ammo dumps, German planes  
>Secret factories<br>Then they bomb ball bearing plants  
>As easy as you please.<p>

Oh, Hogan leads, Lebeau cooks  
>Carter builds some bombs<br>Newkirk stole the general's car  
>And Kinch broke Klink's plumbing<p> 


	4. You're a Nazi, Hochstetter

**You're a Nazi, Hochstetter**_  
>(You're a mean one, Mr Grinch<em>)

You're a Nazi, Hochstetter  
>You're a Hitler heiling jerk<br>You're a bigot with a Schmeisser  
>In dark corners you do lurk<br>Hochstetter

You've a big swastika on a greasy black hat!

You're a Nazi, Hochstetter  
>Your sneer is so well known<br>Your conscience nonexistent  
>You will cause poor Klink to groan<br>Hochstetter

I'd rather fight you with a  
>Thirty-nine-and-a-half-foot pole!<p>

You're a Nazi, Hochstetter  
>You're so hateful and so mean<br>You have all the moral fiber  
>Of a debauched libertine<br>Hochstetter

Given the choice between the two of you  
>I'd take the debauched libertine<p>

You're a Nazi, Hochstetter  
>You're a first class martinet<br>Rob Hogan hates your filthy guts  
>Of that you sure can bet<br>Hochstetter

You're a Nazi, Hochstetter  
>You're a jackboot wearing thug<br>You goosestep for the Führer  
>But you'll be crushed just like a bug<br>Hochstetter.

The three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote,  
>"Bad, mad, cad"!<p> 


	5. Hogan Baby

Hilda's song to Colonel Hogan

**Hogan Baby  
><strong>(Santa Baby)

Hogan baby, slip some stockings under the tree, for me  
>I've told you useful good things<br>Hogan baby, and hurry down the tunnel tonight.

Hogan baby, I'll be in Klink's black staff car it's true, with you  
>I'll wait up for you, dear<br>Hogan baby, and hurry down the tunnel tonight

Think of all the calls I've made  
>Think of all the Nazis that I have delayed<br>Next year I could do so much more  
>To end the war, for that I've prayed<p>

Hogan honey I want a break  
>And really that's good to take<br>I've put up with Klink all year  
>Hogan baby, and hurry down the tunnel tonight<p>

Hogan honey, there's one thing I really do need  
>For you to get married to me<br>Hogan cutie, and hurry down the tunnel tonight

Hogan baby, I'm filling out the marriage license now, and how  
>Put your X on the line<br>Hogan baby, and hurry down the tunnel tonight

Come and make sweet love to me  
>Make me moan and writhe until I can't see<br>I really am in love with you  
>Let's see if you're in love with me<p>

Hogan baby, forgot to mention one little thing, a ring  
>Take me back home with you<br>Hogan baby, and hurry down the tunnel tonight  
>Hurry down the tunnel tonight<br>Hurry down the tunnel tonight


	6. Here Come Hogan's Men

**Here Come Hogan's Men**_  
>(Here Comes Santa Claus)<em>

Here come Hogan's men  
>Here come Hogan's men<br>Saving downed flyers  
>Carter and Kinchloe and all the heroes<br>Will get them to the coast!

Bombs are blowing, feet are flying  
>It's a jolly fun night<br>So run, Hochstetter and say your prayers  
>'Cause Hogan's men come tonight!<p>

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**Author's Note**: _This and the next one are both short, so I'm giving them both to you tonight._


	7. Down By The River

**Down By the River**  
>(<em>Up on the Housetop<em>)

Down by the river, the bridge does blow  
>The Colonel says now, "Men, let's go<br>Debris in the air with lots of flames  
>All for the Heroes' wartime games<p>

Burn, burn, burn  
>Then they'll learn<br>Burn, burn burn  
>Then they'll learn<p>

Next to a big plant  
>Burn it down<br>Run all the Nazis  
>Out of town<p> 


	8. My Favorite Things

**My Favorite Things**

Dogs with brown collars  
>And strudel with apple<br>Sergeants with rifles  
>And guards that will grapple <em>(Battling Bruno<em>)  
>Generals with sisters who hope for a ring<br>These are a few of my favorite things.

Soft covered code books  
>And black Nazi staff cars<br>Barmaids with good looks  
>And generals with two stars<br>Barbed wire fences with sharp barbs that cling  
>These are a few of my favorite things<p>

Bugs in Klink's office  
>And schnapps in glass bottles<br>Hilda's blond pigtails  
>That Hogan will soon kiss<br>Our Red Cross packages tied up with string  
>These are a few of my favorite things<p>

When the roof leaks  
>When SS come<br>When I'm feeling sad  
>I simply remember my favorite things<br>And then I don't feel so bad.


	9. Hogan's 12 Days of Christmas

**Hogan's 12 Days of Christmas **

On the first day of Christmas  
>My true love sent to me<br>A bombed out ammo factory

On the second day of Christmas  
>My true love sent to me<br>Two monocles  
>And a bombed out ammo factory<p>

On the third day of Christmas  
>My true love sent to me<br>Three crush caps  
>Two monocles<br>And as bombed out ammo factory

On the fourth day of Christmas  
>My true love sent to me<br>Four Tiger tanks  
>Three crush caps<br>Two monocles  
>And a bombed out ammo factory<p>

On the fifth day of Christmas  
>My true love sent to me<br>Five swastikas!  
>Four Tiger tanks<br>Three crush caps  
>Two monocles<br>And a bombed out ammo factory

On the sixth day of Christmas  
>My true love sent to me<br>Six flaming arrows  
>Five swastikas!<br>Four Tiger tanks  
>Three crush caps<br>Two monocles  
>And a bombed out ammo factory<p>

On the seventh day of Christmas  
>My true love sent to me<br>Seven screaming majors  
>Six flaming arrows<br>Five swastikas!  
>Four Tiger tanks<br>Three crush caps  
>Two monocles<br>And a bombed out ammo factory

On the eighth day of Christmas  
>My true love sent to me<br>Eight bumbling sergeants  
>Seven screaming majors<br>Six flaming arrows  
>Five Swastikas!<br>Four Tiger tanks  
>Three crush caps<br>Two monocles  
>And a bombed out ammo factory<p>

On the ninth day of Christmas  
>My true love sent to me<br>Nine plumbing Frenchmen  
>Eight bumbling sergeants<br>Seven screaming majors  
>Six flaming arrows<br>Five swastikas!  
>Four Tiger tanks<br>Three crush caps  
>Two monocles<br>And a bombed out ammo factory

On the tenth day of Christmas  
>My true love sent to me<br>Ten blown up freight trains  
>Nine plumbing Frenchmen<br>Eight bumbling sergeants  
>Seven screaming majors<br>Six flaming arrows  
>Five swastikas!<br>Four Tiger tanks  
>Three crush caps<br>Two monocles  
>And a bombed out ammo factory<p>

On the eleventh day of Christmas  
>My true love sent to me<br>Eleven messy barracks  
>Ten blown up freight trains<br>Nine plumbing Frenchmen  
>Eight bumbling sergeants<br>Seven screaming majors  
>Six flaming arrows<br>Five swastikas!  
>Four Tiger tanks<br>Three crush caps  
>Two monocles<br>And a bombed out ammo factory

On the twelfth day of Christmas  
>My true love sent to me<br>Twelve flattened cities  
>Eleven messy barracks<br>Ten blown up freight trains  
>Nine plumbing Frenchmen<br>Eight bumbling sergeants  
>Seven screaming majors<br>Six flaming arrows  
>Five swastikas!<br>Four Tiger tanks  
>Three crush caps<br>Two monocles  
>And a bombed out ammo factory<p> 


	10. Patton's Filk

**Author's note: **_I can't claim authorship of this last filk. This one was written by General George Patton in the Christmas season of 1944, some time during the Battle of the Bulge. As some may know, Patton had a Hammelburg connection, as he sent Task Force Baum to attempt to rescue the POWs, including his son-in-law, Lt. Colonel John K. Waters, at Oflag VIII-B in Hammelburg. Unfortunately, the mission was a failure, and the POWs had to wait a bit longer for liberation._

_Warning to those offended by a particular word in this filk. I included it to remain true to Patton's version of this song.  
><em>

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**O Little Town of Houffalize**  
>(<em>O Little town of Bethlehem<em>)

O little town of Houffalize,  
>How still we see thee lie;<br>Above they steep and battered streets  
>The aeroplanes sail by.<p>

Yet in thy dark streets shineth  
>Not any Goddamned light;<br>The hopes and fears of all thy years  
>Were blown to hell last night.<p> 


End file.
